Why feedback feels hard — and what to do instead

That feeling in the pit of your stomach?

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You know the one — when you know you need to give feedback to a team member, yet everything in you wants to avoid it.

You’re not lazy. You’re not unkind. You care about your team. You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, dampen the vibe, or make things awkward. So, the conversation doesn’t happen. Yet the longer we hold onto feedback, the heavier it gets for everyone.

Feedback isn’t just about fixing — it’s about growing

Constructive feedback is one of the most avoided conversations in leadership. Most of us were never taught how to give it well, or had it modelled positively.

Yet when it’s done with clarity, consistency and compassion, feedback becomes one of the most powerful tools in your leadership toolkit.

It’s how your team sees what they can’t see in themselves. It builds trust, not tension. It creates momentum, not micromanagement.

“In the absence of information, people fill in the blanks with assumptions.”

So how do you make feedback land?

Step 1 – Clarity over comfort

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It’s ok to acknowledge this is outside your comfort zone. Start by setting your intention:
🤍 What’s the behaviour you’ve noticed?
🤍 What impact is it having?
🤍 What would change look like?

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Feedback is not about venting. It’s about helping someone improve.

Step 2 – Use the BOFF model

The BOFF model gives you a simple, human structure for conversations that are clear, kind, and constructive.

B – Behaviour

Start with what you’ve actually observed, not what you assume. Keep it factual and specific.
💬 “I’ve noticed that in our team meetings, you often speak over others when discussions get passionate.”

O – Outcome

Explain the impact of that behaviour on the team, workflow, or culture.
💬 “This means we don’t always hear other perspectives, and the conversation can lose momentum.”

F – Feelings

Share your honest experience, not as blame but as context.
💬 “I feel like we miss out on valuable ideas, and some team members might hold back because they don’t feel heard.”

F – Future

Focus on what’s next. This is where change and ownership happen.
💬 “At our next meeting, I’d love to see you contribute your ideas as you always do, while allowing space for others to finish theirs first. Your input really matters — and so does everyone else’s.”

The BOFF model keeps the conversation balanced. It helps the other person see what you see, understand why it matters, and feel supported to make a shift.

Step 3 – Schedule your presence

This isn’t a conversation to have on the fly or tack onto the end of another meeting. Schedule it.

Give the person your full attention and energy — not your leftovers. A short, yet focused conversation where you’re calm, grounded, and prepared will always land better than a rushed chat at the wrong time.

Being intentional about when (and how) you deliver feedback is just as important as what you say.

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Step 4 – Don’t wait for “the big talk”

Feedback doesn’t need to be a formal event. The best feedback happens in real time — short, clear, and frequent.

Frequent, everyday feedback builds trust and normalises open communication. It helps your team see feedback as part of how you work together, not something to dread.

Bonus Tip – Know your team’s communication style

Every person gives and receives feedback differently. Learning how your team communicates can completely change how feedback lands.

DISC personality profiling is a great place to start. It helps you understand:
🧠 How each team member processes feedback
💬 How much follow up is needed
⚡ Who prefers directness versus softer cues
🤍 What you need as a leader to feel confident and calm giving feedback

When you understand these preferences, you can tailor your approach — and take so much of the guesswork and anxiety out of feedback conversations.

Feedback in summary

You don’t have to be a perfect leader to give good feedback. You just need to be present, intentional, and human.

If you’d like support to start having more effective conversations with your team — or want to explore how DISC personality profiling can support better communication — book a free 15-minute chat with me.

🔗 https://calendly.com/victoria-thehrhaven/let-s-chat
✉️ Or DM me on Instagram or LinkedIn @thehrhaven

“Here’s to lighter leadership and teams that flow.”

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